What to Do If Your Mother Is Not Speaking to You

So your mother is not speaking to you. I know it’s hard so let me speak for you.

“My mother does not talk to me. So Mother’s day is painful. When someone mentioned that they went out with their mother, I am crestfallen. It feels like part of me is missing.

Its a day I should be enjoying. It should be so simple. I have a mother, and I love her, but unfortunately the feeling is not reciprocated. Or so it seems.

She is alive and well, and living in the same town as me. But we do not speak. We fell out over something trivial – to everyone else, but is a mountain to us. We might as well be in the opposite ends of the earth. We have been in the same hall at family occasions and she hugs and laughs with everyone else but me. “

How can a mother not love her child? Or if she loves the child – Why not show it? We read of mother’s mistreating their child, starving them, beating them, abandoning them. A child surely is the most precious gift. What makes a mother reject this most precious result of her being?

a) For some its a resentment of the father. The father abandoned them. The father mistreated the mother at some time. Every time they see the child, they see the father, because the child resembles the father.

b) For others the child has done something, the mother cannot forgive. The child maybe has done it many times. They just cannot help it. They have apologised, but it keeps happening. The mother cannot accept that it will happen again and prefers therefore not to have a relationship with the child.

c) For many, the mother refuses to talk to the child, because they do not like what the child what the child has become, or the child’s partner, or lifestyle.

d) For others, it’s the mother who has initially done something which has really upset the child. They had words, and the child said very hurtful words. Words can cut like a knife, and the mother has not recovered from the wounds.

The mother is privately thinking, “My child does not talk to me. We fell out a months/years ago. I miss her/him, but will not make the first move. If they called I would be there for them.”

Meanwhile mother is listening out for the telephone on Mother’s day, wondering if today her child will call. But the phone stays silent. Or when it rings, she tries hard to hide the disappointment that it’s not that particular son or daughter. The funny thing, even if the mother has 6 children, the one that doesn’t call is always upper most in her mind. Remember the parable of the prodigal son.

This estranged mother/child relationship is not so rare. We estimate 1 in 10 mother-child relationships are found wanting of love and genuine friendship. When friends are discussing what they did with their mothers, the child feels pangs of pain. No matter how old the child is, from 5 to 75. The feeling of hurt is the same.


How to make up with your mother…..

Send a text, or a card. This gesture is impersonal and avoids the embarrassing silence. It could help to break the ice.

Ask for forgiveness. Say sorry. Even if you cannot see her point of view, just humble yourself and say sorry for causing her to be upset.

If no response to above, ask someone you know to mediate and test the waters. See if there is willingness on the to talk with a third-party.

Remember we do not live forever, so need to make use of the time now. Don’t put it off until tomorrow, next week, next month or next year which could possibly not arrive.

This time can pass. The lovely times spent in a good relationship will be remembered forever. Put resentment behind you, close your eyes, forget, and jump into a new phase of friendship.

If none of the above works, know that you tried, and look for surrogate mothers who would actually be honoured if you asked them to be your adopted mum. And talk about the issue with close friends. Don’t bury it, to fester in your body. Free yourself. You never know. Time heals, so try again in a few months.

I have a good relationship with my mother now, but it has not always been the case. I have been there, bought the T-shirt, and sold it again.